2020: A very peculiar year so far...

Coming out of 2019, the financial future for us looked bleak.  However, Rodney was hauling much more than he had been, but it still wasn't good.  We were starting to talk to people about other job opportunities, but it wasn't really going anywhere.

We did start the new year off with the joy of celebrating two weddings in January.  The girls were very busy with both:  Rosalind was the maid of honor for one of her girlfriends, and Rayne photographed it.  All seven of us attend the wedding in Kansas.  The second one was my nephew's wedding.  Regan helped with the planning; all the girls did the decorating; I made the wedding cake; and Rosalind and Rayne photographed it while Regan ran the sound.  Rodney did the chores on the farm, even pulling a calf, so that his brother and nephew could both be at the wedding.  Both of these weddings were really special to us, and it might have been just what we needed to keep our minds focused on what really matters.

The German Feast came and went with its usual stirring activity; it broke a new record by raising $150K that day!  The junior play preparations followed in its footsteps, just like normal:  night practices, stress, the usual. The abnormal thing about the play was the cost to produce it.  I spent $8.99.  That's outside of the script and royalties.  That is a new record.  What did I spend all that money on?  A spring for a screen door.  On Monday right after the play, I went to New Life Ranch with the eighth graders on their trip.  This is when everything started changing.

Rodney texted me on Monday that he received a call from Western Equipment:  a driver had just turned in his two weeks notice.  We thought this door had closed, but here we were and Rodney had an interview the next day... and then, a job.  By the end of the week, his new boss expedited his paperwork through HR and gave him a drastically-shortened window for benefits and two weeks vacation up front.  Rodney hit the ground running with only one day of training from another driver before he was taking his own loads the next week.

By then I was home from the NLR trip and trying to enjoy Spring Break, but I was reeling from the realization of this COVID-19 and what it was going to mean for my life.  Teachers met just before break and our admin told us to enjoy our break and we would deal with the unknowns later.  i.e. It's not time to worry yet.  Rodney was two days into working his new job and then abruptly, his boss had a heart attack and died.  It was surreal.  He was 56.  Even more unthinkable than the timing of it was the coronavirus threat that quelled everything social, even funerals.

In normal times, the funeral for this man would have drawn hundreds, but in light of world events, the family asked for a private family funeral with a procession of John Deere equipment from the church to the cemetery.  The guys spent a few days shining up 7 pieces of equipment for the motorcade, including Rodney's new truck.  On the morning of the funeral, 14 Western Equipment men showed up in the parking lot of the church before the funeral and stood post by their machinery.  The family came and greeted them, thanking them, hugging them and crying with them for showing their support of the family before retreating into the building.  Soon, the deceased man's son, who also works for Western, came out and invited the men into the service.  They went in and sat together.  Rodney said that there were a total of 32 people there.  That broke my heart.  It still does when I think about it.  This is not how families heal.  This is so unfair.

While Rodney was at the funeral, I was at school meeting with teachers and admin, figuring out how to proceed with the rest of the school year.  School was called off statewide in many states already, including Oklahoma.  Distance learning became a reality.  After learning the technology, it's not a big deal.  The big deal is the students.  I miss them terribly and they miss me and school and their friends and other teachers.  They are really struggling.  You know who else is struggling?  My college girls.

Colleges statewide went to 100% online for the rest of the semester.  Some college professors aren't very good with technology, either, and not very resourceful.  Most of it has become busy work and or homework overload, and the girls aren't happy but they're adapting because, what else can they do?  We moved Rayne home from the dorm which was a sad day for her.  She had to say goodbye to her friends and a job she loves, for now.  Regan's clinicals have ended and have been replaced with online simulations, which is disappointing for her, and Rosalind would like to CLEP out of a class vs. taking this summer.  Hopefully the testing centers will open soon.  So I have two college girls home, right now.  In other news, Regan and Hayden sold their house.

Soon, and I mean very soon, I will have Regan and Hayden living on the premises too.  They have had home inspections and the appraisal.  We're thinking they will hear something this week.  The plan is to move most of their belongings into storage and upgrade their camper to a nicer one and park it in the yard.  With them come two very large dogs.  UPDATE:  Regan and Hayden moved last weekend and are now our neighbors.  It was a very busy weekend from the moving to building a dog fence, digging for the septic tank, and just being together as a family.

So, yes, I went from an empty nest last fall to soon having 6 of us home or within spitting distance, along with 5 dogs.  It might as well be 7 of us; Kelby, Rosalind's boyfriend from Texas, comes about two weekends month too.  Thankfully, he doesn't bring a dog with him.  My house is as full as my heart.  I love my life, my family, and my school family.  My heart hurts for the ones that this COVID-19 madness is affecting the most:  all the students in my life and the nurses in my life. As for me, this staying home business isn't anything new.  I love being at home, especially when my family is here.  We cook at home, play games, laugh, do laundry, whatever.  Now, I teach school from home.  I'm ready to go back to school because I really miss my students and coworkers.  That's what school is to me-- the people.  I'm not in love with my content enough to do this without them.  I trust God.  He always provides what we need just when we need it.  I cannot imagine facing this coronavirus situation without Rodney's new position at Western; the financial uncertainty would have been a heavy load to bear.  From here it's still one day at a time, but it's not as scary.  God is good.

Maundy Thursday... Day 27 of being homebound

I've been in a bit of a funk today.  It's day 27 of being basically homebound.  Oh sure, I had a few appointments and trips to school, but nothing all day or very recent.  I have been to Regan and Hayden's a couple of times.  School is going just fine.  We're in a routine and still thankful to see each other on Zoom each morning.  I miss my kids in my classroom so much.  The weather has been a roller coaster too.  Record breaking highs to predictions of snow for next week.  I'm not used to being home for days on end when it's not warm outside.  I have been in the yard or on the porch whenever it's warm enough... for me, that is.  I'm thankful for Rayne's and Rosalind's presence around the house since Rodney is an essential employee and is going to work every day.  Actually all of my girls are essential, working in hospitals, nursing homes, and private homes.  Outside of the girls' college classes, I'm the only one greatly affected by being constantly homebound. 

I think my funk is from the heaviness of Holy Week.  Today is Maundy Thursday.  Jesus shares the Passover meal with his disciples in the upper room and prepares them for what's to come.  They cannot comprehend just yet, but Jesus told them of the coming of the Holy Spirit and his new role in their lives.  John spends Chapters 13-14-15-16-17 in his Gospel, explaining everything Jesus told them that night.  Jesus' prayers in Chapter 17 are so humbling.

Jesus prayed:
Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, that Your Son also may glorify You, as You have given Him authority over all flesh, that He should give eternal life to as many as You have given Him.  And this is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.  I have glorified You on earth.  I have finished the work which You have given Me to do.  And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.

It is finished.  He completed what He came to do and set everything into motion that would have me here, today, knowing, loving, and serving Him in western Oklahoma in 2020.  Some years, Holy Week's Thursday-Friday-Saturday aren't as heavy because I have been too busy to mindfully prepare myself.  Thanks to COVID-19, I have had ample time to meditate on it this year, which is the silver lining to this homebound situation.

I'm looking forward to this weekend but not so much next week.  I'm ready to have my normal life back, not that it's a lot different than it is right now because I'm a homebody anyway.  I'm not afraid of the virus; I'm sick of the power it has given the governments and world officials to alter our lives.  I'll leave this piece with Jesus' words:  These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

A message to my freshmen, sophomores and juniors...

First of all, I understand.  This circumstance that you found yourself in is not what you wanted.  It's out of your control, out of the control of anyone you know and trust.  You're angry, and so am I.  And, no, it's not fair.

I don't know how you feel about distance learning (online school, basically), but I know you appreciate the Zoom meetings that we have.  You actually look forward to them, and so do I.  Hopefully you've found a way to get your lessons completed and feel some control and accomplishment from that.

I miss you being in my classroom.  You are important to me.  I miss my coworkers-- they are my rock.  They are some of the best people I know.  I don't love this distance learning, but I look forward to the Zoom meetings too because it's a little piece of normalcy.  I couldn't be an online teacher day in and day out.  I'd get too bored with it.  I'm more interested in the relationships than anything else.  Sure, I teach you English and prepare you for academic life beyond CBA, but I'm more interested who you become when you leave CBA and what choices you make than if you can correctly punctuate a compound sentence (although that is nice, too).

I don't know how full your days are going to be because I don't know what each teacher is doing with his or her classes.  I do know that staying up late and sleeping in doesn't make you feel very accomplished.  It's okay for awhile, but then it starts to make you feel like you can't ever get anything done.  Develop a routine.  Get up about an hour before your first class meeting so that you can be ready.  Eat on a regular schedule, which doesn't mean all the time.  Snacks are fine, but don't snack all day.  Be active so that you can get tired and you'll be ready to go to bed.  Sometimes when we're not active enough, we don't get tired, so we don't go to bed, and then we don't want to get up.  It's a rotten cycle to get into, so break it.  Force yourself to get up early and don't nap so that you'll be tired enough to go to bed at bedtime or wear yourself out with activity during the day so that you'll go to sleep easily at bedtime.  Taking a shower and actually getting dressed everyday helps us feel accomplished too.  Use this extra time on your hands to reach out to your loved ones.  Call your grandma or your favorite aunt.  Your cousins aren't in school either-- call them.  Share your experiences with them and ask them about theirs.  Limit your screen time, be it your phone, computer, video games, or television.  Take advantage of this time to get caught up on your reading.  You have no requirements, so read what you like.  Binge read your favorite authors.  If you are out of ideas ask me, I'll give you some titles or ideas.  Be resourceful.  Ask your mom or grandma.  Ask your neighbors.  If you have a library card with Western Plains Library System, you can check out ebooks.  There's no reason that you shouldn't be able to get all your AR points for the year.

I hope you can see this time of being at home as it's keeping you safe instead of your being stuck at home.  I don't like being told what to do and I definitely don't like the government telling me what to do, but regardless, here we are.  Don't dwell in a place of negativity or self pity.  It's okay to visit there occasionally, but you have to keep moving forward.  Don't be afraid, either.  This too shall pass.

Make sure all of your school requirements are complete and then learn a new skill.  Maybe try your hand at cooking, baking, or painting, which aren't just girly activities.  Learn how to do laundry or iron a shirt.  Learn how to sew or crochet.  Build something.  Tear something apart.  Keep a journal of your activities.  You'll be able to show it to your kids and grandchildren one day.  Do something you haven't done before.  Don't waste this time.  It has been given to you for a reason.  I have no idea what that reason is, but it's not because the world is buzzing about a virus.

Above all, use this time to draw closer to God.  You have all the time in the world to talk to Him all day.  Read His Word and truly thank Him for all your blessings.  Actually name them one by one.  Keep memorizing Scripture.  Serve your family.  Help out around the house, beyond what is already expected of you.  Show your parents that CBA is teaching you how to be a servant to someone besides yourself.  Keep track of your prayers.  See how God works each one of them out in His timing.  Do some deep soul searching with God.  What do you need to get rid of in your life?  What is unimportant?  What do you need to embrace more?  How is your relationship with your family members?  How can you make it better?  All of these things are good things and worthy of your attention.  I cannot wait to see you again and hear all about this time in your life and what you did with it.  I love you and I miss you.

2020 Global Pandemic as a Teacher

Today was the first day of distance learning with 1 1/2 days of actual prep (learning different technological platforms through trial and error) and about 10 days to think about it.  Yeah, I don't like it and neither do the students.  All the grumbling they do throughout a normal day about school is just an ostentatious display of solidarity amongst them-- either that, or just a bad habit.  Either way, they miss school.  They miss me and their other teachers who love them, and they miss each other.

When the administration called me on the bus on my way home from the 8th grade trip just before Spring Break and told me to tell the students to take home all of their textbooks when they got off the bus at school, I half-thought he was kidding.  I chuckled and thought, "Yeah, okay.  Whatever."  A lot happened in just 4 days while being cut off from the rest of the world. 

As the reality of not returning to school began to sink in on me, I was just... angry.  Very angry.

It eventually turned to Stoic as to not feel anything about it.  Just do it.  It doesn't matter why. 

The general population is basically divided in to two camps on this issue:  quarantine everyone or this is ridiculous.  I get it.  I don't like it, but I get it.

When I started interacting with my students through texts, group chats, YouTube videos, conference calls, and finally Zoom, they didn't discuss it, but I noticed how much the students are grieving their loss.  I'm not even addressing what they will actually miss out on the school calendar but their immediate sense of being stripped away from their peers and their teachers and other staff members at school who impact their lives greatly-- with not much notice.  No time to process or mentally prepare themselves.  No time to say goodbye.  This isn't like going into summer vacation which is a planned routine that they anticipate from the beginning.  It's different. 

I haven't broken down and wept yet.  It's not time to worry yet, Atticus always says.  But when I put it into words in conversations with those who this has directly affected, I get emotional.  I will weep for the seniors.  I will weep for the students who see school as their refuge.  I have just a glimmer of hope yet that we will return to school in May for the last week and have some resolution to this mess and this school year.  The seniors need it.  The teachers need it.  We are a small private school who doesn't technically fall under the state board of education's orders.  We must follow state mandates, as to not break the law, but if the gathering rules are lifted, there's a chance.

As a teacher I suffer from this chain of events every year:  I have my same students for 4 years in a row, 9th -12th grades.  I invest so much of myself into them that I never want to give them up.  Graduations are hard on me.  Beginning a new school year is hard on me because it's always missing something-- the graduated seniors.  It's a grieving process that doesn't really heal until about mid-September.  It's like I finally decide to start over again with the new senior class and start pouring.  It's a curious cycle.  Not that I only focus on seniors... they are just more open to learn more about themselves and the world around them, outside of reading, writing, and arithmetic.  They have their vessels and are collecting the wisdom that flows from our collected experiences as teachers.  They are hungrier than the rest.  The realization that this place called school has an expiration settles in on them and they start preparing themselves.  Oh sure, they will complain due to the syndrome called senioritis and say how ready they are to be done... but they're not.  Not in March anyway.  It's not over.  They aren't mentally ready to walk away just as we aren't ready to let them leave. 

I just pray for closure to this school year.  I promise you, reader, it's not going to come through group text messages or something like Zoom.  And I know I'm being extremely selfish here.  I know that my thin line of hope for this school year's end at my school is not possible for the thousands of public school seniors who have no hope of returning to say goodbye and close the longest chapter of their lives so far.  It's so unfair, but I pray that they don't become bitter and carry it around with them until it becomes too heavy and crushes their souls, because the attitude of "Yeah, okay.  Whatever," should be a short-lived stage of grief-- not a place to pitch a tent.

A hell of a year...

The year 2019 came in like a lion and went out like a... lamb?  I don't know if lamb is the right word, but it did come roaring in.  It actually started with a marriage proposal on Christmas Day 2018.  My oldest daughter found the man of her dreams and he proposed.  As a family, we decided that May was probably the best time for a wedding.  We'd squeeze it in between Rayne's graduation and wheat harvest. I also had my youngest daughter graduating high school in 2019.  We blinked twice and May was here.  My superb organization and all of our experience planning big events made the spring go by very quickly but not too stressful.  Rodney was the one stressing the most because the weather was so wet that it made it impossible to get in full weeks of work.  Our friend Galen said that the spring of 2019 was the wettest one he'd experienced in almost 50 years of pouring concrete.  We believe it!

The graduation and wedding were definitely highlights of the year.  So many of our loved ones were here, like at the house, for many days-- most of the time helping out.  It was three weeks of pure joy, and I relished every moment of it.  People would continually come up to me and say things like "I bet you're ready for all of this to be over with."  Me, always able to disappoint would say, "No.  I'm not.  I have a house full of the people I love most, and I don't want it to end."

Our youngest daughter graduating meant the inevitable was just around the corner...

I busied myself with low-cost projects that were actually way too big for me to accomplish myself.  But, alas, I am very resourceful.  And I'm not afraid to ask for help.  I took on some upholstery projects that decided I didn't want to tackle myself, so I packed my car with boat seats, cushions for the dining benches in the camper, and outdoor patio cushions and drove to Minnesota.  I'm not afraid to drive 15 hours across country by myself either.  I spent another week with my Aunt Barbie. (She had been at my house for two.)  I ripped seams to make patterns while she sewed the new ones together.  We had quite a system and she has quite a talent.  It was a much needed hiatus from everything that had transpired all year and I didn't have to think about IT.

When I got home, I decided to dig much deeper into the family genealogy.  It was cheap entertainment and it kept my mind occupied.  I learned so many fascinating things about my ancestors-- even that Regan's new husband has a couple common ancestors with her about 10 generations back.  Crazy-small world.

Sooner or later the unavoidable, necessary new normal was lurking its-profoundly-painful-self right around the corner.  IT.  The changing of the season was close at hand.  Summer would evolve into... more summer, right?  who am I kidding... summer would evolve into continued hot days but with my going to school instead of sitting on the back porch, dreading the advent of the new school year... without my kids at school, and soon, without them at home even.  Three kids in 4 years was a great idea!... until it also meant that all three left in 4 years too.

It was hard.  Mentally, it was hard.  But it did get easier.  I finished most of my mourning in July before it even started.  I had lots of long days at home with everyone else at work.  Knowing that each one of them was healthy and happy and pursuing life in a way that was pleasing to God made IT much easier to withstand.  Little did I know, it would only be for a short amount of time... a semester, and Rosalind decided to transfer schools and move home, much to Rayne's disheartenment.  They were roommates in the dorm, and Rayne was about to be alone.

Work was still really stressful for Rodney because there just wasn't enough of it.  He just couldn't catch a break.  He was ready to go, but there wasn't enough to do.  We mulled over all of our options and decided to start talking to people and put in a few applications.  By the end of the year, Rodney conceded to hauling cattle again to fill in the gaps.  Twenty-five years later, and it's still not his favorite thing to do.

So, in like a lion and out like...  a lamb?  No, like a geriatric lion with a terminal illness that can barely raise its head who really just needs to be taken out behind the barn and shot... put out of its misery.  Parker McCollum has a song "Hell of a Year" that came out in late 2017.  I just found it this year, and the tune and repeating lines of the title really resonated with me.  The rest of the song does not, however, but I don't even hear it when I listen because it immediately takes me back to the really good memories of 2019 and all that I rode through emotionally-- the highs and the struggles to fight the lows.  2019 WAS a hell of a year, but I wouldn't trade a moment of it for anything in the world.