My heart is broken

My mom is dying and my heart is broken.  I can't stop it.  I can't fix it.  There is no piece of it that I can control except the portion that I am given.  I do all that I can but it doesn't feel like enough.  I rack my brain trying to find a way to stop the pain.  I just want to sweep all 100 pounds of her up into my arms and hold her close and comfort her and tell her that it's ok.  It's ok if she's tired.  It's ok if she just can't do it anymore.  I want to stroke her hair and rock her and tell her it's ok to go to sleep.

Stage IV lung cancer that's metastasized into her lymph system, spreading into her gall bladder, adrenals, and most likely liver and kidneys: that's the battle.

I pray daily for a miracle to heal her or for God to take His child home.  She's weary.

So.  Much.  Wasted.  Time. 

She lives 20 blocks away.  She's 65 years old.  She push mows her yard, for goodness sake!  There's plenty of time.  A couple short weeks ago, I held her in my arms and apologized for all the wasted time.  She just smiled through her tears and reassured me:  we all thought we had more time.

Some days I feel like Hezekiah in Isaiah 37, taking the letter he received (full of bad news) and marching to the alter and laying it out before God, crying "Look at this!"  Now, "Do something about it!"  

Other days I just weep.  

Some days I am all out of tears.  Mourning the living is something I've never experienced before now.  It comes in waves and some days I'm drownding.  Some days I find it too hard to engage in the tedious details of my work.  Grading term papers is definitely going to have to wait for awhile; I'm thankful it's play season because it's a new creation, bringing new life into my soul.

The love that radiates from those who love me makes me weep too.  Their prayers sustain me right now.  My husband, my children, my sisters-in-law, my aunts, my extended family.  In the other hand is my co-workers, my dear friends, and my students and their families.  My cup overflows from the grace and the love and gentle care that comes from their actions, words and their prayers.  I am truly loved, and that love is what's holding my broken heart together right now.  The only thing that could heal it is a miracle from heaven.