I cannot even begin to express how quickly everything is changing. This is not what one would call rolling with the changes, this would be considered flailing in the ocean at high tide, all while seeming mostly normal on the outside. This is another one of the busiest times of my entire life, (the third one but probably the busiest) but this time it's packed with all these emotional markers that are, on their own, monumental. I'm not a person who easily becomes overwhelmed, but this... this past 4 months has been just that-- overwhelming. With everything being overwhelming, it makes everything else overwhelming. Do you follow? If not, nevermind; I obviously cannot put it into words tonight.
My normal yearly routine has pressure-cooker weeks in it because I'm a teacher in a small school that doesn't know it's small and tries to conquer the world sometimes, which takes every ounce of energy, every gift and talent, and every spare moment to pull it off. Throw in preparations for Rosalind's spring wedding, Regan's graduation celebration with a BSN pinning, the upcoming 2021 high school graduation as the sponsor and one who will speak at graduation and plan and attend (most of) the senior trip, and another wedding (including the wedding cake) at Tulsa, plus one more highly emotional funeral this week... I'm not done... in addition to my mom's in February and the father of one of my seniors in March-- very unexpected... (I'm going to breathe right here)
The German Feast was moved to April from February this year due to fear of what C-19 restrictions might do to the attendance; this helped tremendously when my focus was on caring for Mom and I didn't have to spend the energy in February to spare. I didn't really have the energy for it last week either with two days of schnetka baking and one day of silent auction set up or for the evening we spent going through all of my mom's personal belongings after the feast. My dad is moving. This week he will close on a new house in the country, outside of a neighboring town. A house without Mom or mom's things. A house outside of our hometown for the past 37 years. I don't blame him. Everything is happening so fast, and I feel like I'm being robbed of the time to be able to process all of it as it needs to be. It's not about me. There's no blame; it's just overwhelming.
I also spent 12 hours on the road, back and forth to the dentist, last week and had another molar pulled. If you see me eating like a rabbit or a beaver, mind your own business. And if you notice me dropping weight, don't say anything.
Did I mention that the house Mom loved so well and that we all considered home was demolished last week? I haven't even driven by it yet. It was two-twenty-two North Oklahoma Street. Mom died on 2-22. Weird. It became an eyesore in recent years as each new tenant stripped it of its splendor. Mom and Dad discussed at length buying it back and renovating. Some things cannot be restored, not to mirror the nostalgia of our memories. Who would renovate a house with 1980s decor and fixtures? Dusty blue carpet and mirror stripes on the walls, faintly resembling paneling with their width and spacing. Renovated to fit the times, it wouldn't have been the same, so a handful of pictures and our fallible memories is all we have to remember some of the best days of our lives.
This week I'm working on our spring banquet at school, which equals prom at public schools. The student council kids and I spent 5 hours today getting a lot of the big jobs done without the interruption of a school day to make the rest of this week go a little easier. This is another crazy week at school with a couple days of standardized testing for 7-10 grades. The seniors are overwhelmed with their term papers and just the last-month-of-school emotions that are bombarding them at every turn. Another funeral on Thursday for my brother's mother-in-law. Yes, my brother and my sister-in-law both lost their mothers this winter-- in two month's time. Mary died on December 22, but due to C-19, the family waited until this week for a service. As much as I'm grieving my losses this winter, my heart breaks for both of them and my nieces who lost both grandmothers. I am thankful we all live here close and can lean on each other and support one another through the heartbreak of all of this loss. I'll close out this week with the banquet on Saturday (complete with our getting all dressed up in our 2019 wedding clothes), and we'll have it all cleaned up and put away next week before the next big thing-- a wedding! Some of my best friends have a daughter getting married!
There's so many other overwhelming little things that have happened in all the in-between moments (mostly good and mostly when people are being nice to me) over the past 4 months that make me break down and weep too, (like our 25th wedding anniversary and Regan and Hayden's buying a house, a wedding shower for Roz and Kelby, like the girl in the dentist's office telling me that something I said reminded her of her grandfather who passed, etc) but all the details get to be to tedious for many, and if you're still reading, you're a saint or you truly love me. (Or you're just really bored) I think the biggest hurdles will be behind me by the end of this week, but the moving forward through all of these upcoming milestones without my mom, my girls' grandma, will be another challenge in the days to come.
Did I mention that Rayne is moving home in a couple of weeks? I think she's bringing a college friend home for the summer too. That will definitely do this mama's heart some good. The more, the merrier. I love my home and my people, and our dogs and their dogs, and... and... and you get the idea. I'm looking forward to a slower summer and a few moments to breathe.
