I forgive but I'll never forget...

I forgive but I’ll never forget. What is that? Is that really forgiveness? Do we want to be forgiven that way? “I forgive you, but I’m going to hold your offense over your head for the rest of your life and use it to measure everything you ever try to accomplish.”   What that says is “I will not forgive.”

What’s forgivable and what’s not? Time and again I see polls asking the public if they could forgive a cheater. Have you ever caught an episode of Cheaters on late night tv? …a camera crew and the scorned spouse/mate hiding out for the moment of discovery and all the drama that plays out in the confrontation… add the hype of reality television. It’s a very sad, sad situation. Likewise, in these polls, the overwhelming consensus on the question of a cheating spouse is no way, no forgiveness. Everything is forgivable. More than once, women in my life have had to deal with infidelity. Some stayed, some did not. Some chose to forgive while some just chose to stay and daily swallow that bitter pill of unforgiveness.

Personally, I know a little bit about forgiveness. I was the one in need of redemption. I strayed. While dating, I broke up with Rodney and married someone else. Two very-long-miserable years later I returned, much like the prodigal son, and just like the father to his son, Rodney welcomed me home with love and thankfulness. And the rest is history because, and only because, Rodney forgave me and forgot about it. In his limited (human) love for me, he gave me the gift of forgiveness and something as close to unconditional love as this human world can know. Never in our 15 years back together has he ever thrown it in my face or used it against me as ammunition in an argument. We don’t talk about it. It almost didn’t happen. Why do I tell you this? I know what it means to be forgiven. It has taught me to grant forgiveness freely and quickly. I have a friend who tramples me fairly often and it makes Rodney crazy that I allow it. Ironic, I know; I guess he wants to protect me from the hurt. But I love her, and I have already forgotten the last transgression before the next transgression occurs. It’s a choice. I love my friend and I’m not a doormat. I just choose to love, and I choose to forgive and forget.

When women confide in me that they are unhappy, many times it stems from unforgiveness. Unforgiveness and true happiness cannot coexist within someone. Harboring unforgiveness in your heart makes you the loser. You lose out on life and love and intimacy and joy… and fun and wholeness and security and blessing… everything good God wants for you. If you cannot forgive, you might as well set your spouse free from their life sentence of your unforgiveness and get a divorce. And I would never recommend divorce ESPECIALLY if there are children in the marriage. This is worthy of a blog post in its own: Parents should NOT DIVORCE because… The alternative to divorce is to let go of self and make room for love and restoration. I forgive doesn’t say “it’s okay that you hurt me and please do it again”.   I forgive doesn’t say “I’m weak”.   I forgive says, “I choose to do this for my own well being”.   I forgive says, “nothing is going to keep me in bondage and rob my joy”.   I forgive says, “I know that I am forgiven”.

This week in church, Pastor James shared with us the story of Hosea and Gomer… quite a love story, right? With a name like Gomer, it can’t be good… If you don’t know the story, here’s a quick synopsis: God instructs Hosea to marry a prostitute (he chooses Gomer) and have children with her. Eventually she leaves Hosea and goes back to other men thus completely breaking Hosea’s heart. In time Hosea buys her back from her master and takes her home where she belongs. He continues to love her. He’s loved her the whole time despite the hard truth. The message for us in this? God loves us in this way—he goes after us at our worst until he gets us and makes lovers of men and women who know nothing of real love. And once we absorb this story and the words that flow from it, we will know God far more accurately…from The Message Bible. The point? Gomer wasn’t worthy. I wasn’t worthy. My girlfriend isn’t worthy. Your spouse isn’t worthy. None are worthy, yet God pursues us anyway. Forgiveness is a choice. It’s not contingent on feeling. i.e. I feel like I can forgive… We are commanded to forgive and the consequences of unforgiveness is devastating both here on earth and in heaven.

Paul wrote to the Corinthians that they should forgive… if anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you, to some extent—not to put it too severely. The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

Peter came to Jesus in Matthew 18 and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”

And Paul also said, "Be kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you" (Eph. 4:32). "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Col. 3:13).

And by the way... I have lived in 27 houses.  :)